Thursday, February 10, 2011

Unified Theory of Bacon aka The Bacon and Cheese Stuffed Double Pizza Burger.

I'm happy to introduce you to Sharon, today's guest blogger.  I mentioned Sharon last week; she was kind enough to host the cupcake marathon. 

Sharon is also one of the most brilliant people I know.  She is one of these people that can hold a conversation on any topic.  Ask her about art history, she's an expert.  Unix scripting?  Best person I know.  Coddle an egg? She can do it in her sleep.  Particle physics?  She can explain why the Large Hardon Accelerator in Switzerland is a good idea, and she was probably responsible for the bread crumbs that shut it down about a year ago.  In fact, she probably has a pretty good arguement about the best current ideas for the Unified Theory.

We were invited to her house for Superbowl Sunday.  And while the rest of you had chips and dip, or wings, or hot dogs, we got to experience a Bacon Dream-catcher.

too literal?
A few months ago, my sister-in-law posted something on Facebook that had caused a bit of a stir. It was hard to look at, yet hard to look away from. My husband was awestruck. So. Much. Meat. It was the ultimate combination of everything he loved to eat: The Bacon and Cheese Stuffed Double Pizza Burger.

Many of you must surely have seen this abomination; it seems to be a meme in its own right. The pictures are accessible via a quick web search for “bacon dreamcatcher”, a term evidently uniquely associated with the behemoth, although to me it should be a more common item. (My position on this will become clearer later)

The disgusting fat-laden truth of the thing is that it consists of a 5 pound hamburger patty, 2 pounds of bacon (the redeeming part of the recipe), and cheese, all sandwiched between two frozen pepperoni pizzas.

My husbands eyes sparkled at the thought of it. He said, “Oh you have got to make that someday!” I forbid it. I told him, flatly, no. I told him that we *might* make a mini version of it using individual pizzas. Someday. Maybe.

With apologies to the University of Toronto

Now I like to eat. I do. In fact, I have admitted that two of my favorite things are eating and sleeping. Sleeping, I must say, is higher on the list than eating though, as I have said many times in explaining my Unified Theory of Bacon. See, I would rather sleep than eat, unless there is bacon involved. I am pretty sure this is the case for many, many people. Bacon is one of the few foods worth getting out of bed for. And this is why, I theorize, that Bacon is a breakfast food the world around. But I digress.

As I was saying, I like to eat. Recently I ate my words. I granted my Husband’s wish, and agreed to create the Behemoth on the occasion of Super Bowl XLV. After all, there would be a platoon of foodies there, and it would almost certainly be consumed.

Allow me to quote my source for the recipe that I “followed”:

This is not the original. Evidently the concept is from at least Feb 2009. At the bottom of their post, they credit someone:

I wonder which exit?
Props to the man who invented this monstrosotiy, Stefan from Central Jersey (of course)

The comments on the site they credit is peppered with four-letter words, so be forewarned.

And so it begins…

This is the ingredient list as proposed by the quoted site:

2 DiGiorno Cheese Stuffed Crust Sausage and Pepperoni Topped Pizzas
2 lbs of Bacon (2 packages)
5 lbs Ground Beef
2 Eggs
1 White Onion
1 Garlic Bulb
1 Bag of Shredded Cheddar
Sliced Pepper Jack & Cheddar Cheese
Salt & Pepper

Anyone who knows me knows that I am not good with authority and I NEVER follow a recipe to the T. Therefore, I will share with you MY interpretation of the above. First, pepperoni disagrees with me, so I got one Cheese Stuffed Crust Sausage, Bacon and Pepperoni and one Bacon Blitz. In the interest of my husband’s delicate palate (still looking for that sarcasm font), I cut the garlic in half. I picked up a bag of Triple Cheddar shredded cheese blend, and because Pepper Jack is an abomination, I got sliced sharp Cheddar only. Some idiot forgot to salt and pepper the beef, so that will be considered an inadvertent omission.

I know many people disagree with cooking bacon in the microwave, but again, I am known to be contrary. I use a 10.5 inch round, 1 inch deep Corning ware tart pan and NO paper towels. This allows the bacon to fry in its own renderings, and eliminates that awful wad of paper towels into which your precious, precious bacon grease get lost. For the bacon crumbles, I snipped half the first pound of bacon into the dish and nuked it crisp, then removed it and repeated with the second half. Everyone knows how to dice onions and Mince garlic right?

I took the second pound of bacon and placed half the slices in the dish with the previous drippings. I nuked them slightly, just enough to get them to start shrinking and dhow their natural tendency to curve. They were wet and slimy and nowhere near cooked, but they would behave predictably now. I put the limp pink boomerangs in my large nonstick frying pan in a circle, and prenuked the second half. I added those in an overlapping succession connecting the outer ring to the inside.

I poured the bacon grease from the whole process into the pan to evenly cook the bacon, as there would be no turning this bacon snowflake intact. I let it cook on low til it was mostly done, then I gently slid it onto a perforated pizza pan over a sheet pan to finish in a 300 degree oven, allowing it to drain.

While the bacon dreamcatcher was cooking, I turned my attention to the next steps.

I mixed the 5 lb of beef, 2 eggs, chopped onion and garlic. Here is where I should have salted the beef. Oops. We nearly all died of sodium deficiencies because of me.

Divide the beef in half, and pat out a patty a little wider than the pizza. Beef shrinks. Top the patty with the bacon and the shredded cheese. I only added about half the bag.

Top it with a patty of the remaining beef, and seal the edges .

Put the monster patty into the oven, at about 350 and cook til it reaches an internal temp of the government suggested 160 degrees.

Let me take a moment to share with everyone two important lessons I learned. DO NOT touch a 300 degree sheet pan with you thumb and index finger. Occasionally I forget this fundamental bit of kitchen wisdom, and kind Providence reminds me. Also, the greatest bit of wisdom I have learned in the wake of these incidents, is that the first aid treatment of IMMEDIATLEY running cold water over the affected area UNTIL NUMB FROM THE COLD will turn what I expected to be days of blistered agony into no detectable damage within hours. No pain the next day at all. Not even a red mark. This method has worked for me before. I recommend that you do not try to pick up a hot sheet pan unprotected, but if you do, try the numb method.

Again, I digress. Anyone who knows me also knows I have a swiss cheese brain.

After the beef comes out of the oven at the desired temperature:

Bake the pizza’s according to package directions.
Assemble the monster, starting with the Bacon Blitz on the bottom, then the beef, then the bacon dreamcatcher,

Then add a few slices of cheese. Granted, four would have looked better.

Top with second pizza.

As disgusted as I was even up to the last step, I must admit it came out nicely, and when served as a modest slice, it is actually reasonable. Considering the first 75% of this thing fed seven people, it is not as bad as it first looked.
Sharon, guest blogger

Wow, let me tell you, that was one hell of a burger, and one hell of a game.  Once again Sharon, thanks for having us over.  We had a great time!  Feel free to submit another blog anytime.

Until next time, here's wishing everyone Peace, Love, and Hollandaise Sauce.


Nicole said...

I'm fairly sure this is illegal in at least ten states (the states that have reality shows that feature Housewives in the title).

And only three slices of American cheese?!? Sure there's enough cheese in it already to cause instantaneous artery cloggage, but man!! You gotta go with five, at least. One for each pound of ground chuck. And you would still be following the rule of aesthetics that say you need an uneven number! (Don't you HATE when you go to a restaurant and they bring out five rolls for four people?? Who gets the extra one!?? Is it a contest? Fastest hands wins??)

Great post, Sharon!

Anonymous said...

I must defend myself... It was not "American" cheese, but actually sliced sharp cheddar. (almost undeniably made in USA, I can't argue with that) But yes, I am subconciously prone to that odd number rule. But only 3 slices? My only defense is that I was getting tired and it was half time.
p.s. Glad to see you following this blog!

Flare said...

Oh god. That looks like the most disgusting food I've ever seen, and yet I really want to try it.... but it needs more cheese. the meat to cheese ratio on that thing was way off.